1 00:00:35,036 --> 00:00:37,202 Wow, dinner smells great, Lois. What'd you make? 2 00:00:37,279 --> 00:00:39,763 Nothing. I just defrosted one of the casseroles 3 00:00:39,765 --> 00:00:42,541 Bonnie left on our porch after my foot got infected. 4 00:00:42,618 --> 00:00:45,952 Most of our meals are donated stews born of trauma. 5 00:00:46,029 --> 00:00:47,437 Well, I had a scary day. 6 00:00:47,439 --> 00:00:50,049 During my science lab, a whole beaker of chemicals 7 00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:52,200 almost blew up right in my face. 8 00:00:52,278 --> 00:00:53,610 My God! 9 00:00:53,612 --> 00:00:55,888 Look at this peanut. It's got three peanuts in it. 10 00:00:55,964 --> 00:00:58,298 Peter, stop bringing snack foods to dinner. 11 00:00:58,375 --> 00:01:00,117 How was everyone else's day? 12 00:01:00,119 --> 00:01:02,286 My day was awful! 13 00:01:02,288 --> 00:01:03,729 I had to give an oral book report 14 00:01:03,806 --> 00:01:04,966 in front of my English class, 15 00:01:05,048 --> 00:01:08,642 but it was right when I... was at full mast. 16 00:01:08,718 --> 00:01:10,718 Okay, next up is Chris Griffin. 17 00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,990 My report is on Tom Sawyer. 18 00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:25,976 "A modern-day warrior, 19 00:01:25,978 --> 00:01:27,753 "mean, mean stride, 20 00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:29,571 "today's Tom Sawyer, 21 00:01:29,648 --> 00:01:31,090 mean, mean pride." 22 00:01:31,166 --> 00:01:32,591 That is a song by Rush. 23 00:01:32,668 --> 00:01:36,153 I don't know, man, I googled it, and that's what came up. 24 00:01:36,155 --> 00:01:37,930 Well, as much as I'd love to sit and hear more 25 00:01:38,006 --> 00:01:39,765 about my son's public wood show, 26 00:01:39,842 --> 00:01:41,174 me and the guys have a tee time. 27 00:01:41,251 --> 00:01:43,327 A tee time? But it's dark out. 28 00:01:43,329 --> 00:01:44,937 Miniature golf, Lois. 29 00:01:45,013 --> 00:01:46,254 And it's gonna be a blast. 30 00:01:46,332 --> 00:01:48,148 Even more fun than a Blow Pop. 31 00:01:49,017 --> 00:01:50,851 I never should've married it. 32 00:01:50,927 --> 00:01:53,445 Once they say "I do," they don't. 33 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,342 Man, nothing better 34 00:01:58,344 --> 00:02:00,602 than hanging out with my pals on a Tuesday night. 35 00:02:00,604 --> 00:02:03,622 Hey, why... how come we always do stuff together on Tuesdays? 36 00:02:03,699 --> 00:02:06,608 It's when America unloads all its week-old tacos. 37 00:02:06,685 --> 00:02:09,353 Sure, Congress can push through "Taco Tuesday," 38 00:02:09,355 --> 00:02:11,613 but we can't seem to get decent Medicare reform. 39 00:02:11,690 --> 00:02:13,357 Those two things are unrelated, Joe. 40 00:02:13,359 --> 00:02:15,551 Says the shill for Big Taco. 41 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,365 Should've played through that birthday party. 42 00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:23,058 They're playing way too slow. 43 00:02:24,553 --> 00:02:27,512 Could we please have some quiet on the greens? 44 00:02:35,230 --> 00:02:37,381 Whoa, Chris, what's going on? Where are you going? 45 00:02:37,383 --> 00:02:39,324 I can't take the humiliation. 46 00:02:39,401 --> 00:02:42,719 I think my only option is to move away forever. 47 00:02:42,721 --> 00:02:45,405 What? Wh... Is this about what happened with your book report? 48 00:02:45,482 --> 00:02:47,407 The teasing was awful, Brian. 49 00:02:47,484 --> 00:02:49,817 Even Principal Shepherd got in on it. 50 00:02:49,895 --> 00:02:51,061 Chris Griffin, 51 00:02:51,063 --> 00:02:53,154 please report to woodshop. 52 00:02:53,232 --> 00:02:55,007 Stop it. 53 00:02:55,083 --> 00:02:57,250 I'll stop when they stop laughing. 54 00:02:57,327 --> 00:02:59,252 My approval rating is through the roof. 55 00:02:59,329 --> 00:03:01,254 Just like Chris Griffin's rod. 56 00:03:02,832 --> 00:03:06,685 On a more somber note, that kid with the helmet die. 57 00:03:06,762 --> 00:03:09,079 Chris, you can't just run away from your problems. 58 00:03:09,081 --> 00:03:11,915 Well, I can't just move on and pretend nothing happened. 59 00:03:11,917 --> 00:03:13,917 This isn't a school shooting. 60 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:15,919 Okay, I see you're upset. 61 00:03:15,921 --> 00:03:19,031 And I wouldn't suggest this if it weren't so serious, but... 62 00:03:19,107 --> 00:03:22,016 Look, Stewie and I built a time machine. 63 00:03:22,094 --> 00:03:23,535 You did? How? 64 00:03:23,612 --> 00:03:25,779 Well, you know, I was always really good at Legos, 65 00:03:25,855 --> 00:03:27,764 and I-I think it just kind of snowballed from there. 66 00:03:27,766 --> 00:03:31,268 You know, if I have any advice, it's keep building, Chris. 67 00:03:31,270 --> 00:03:32,769 Keep building. 68 00:03:32,788 --> 00:03:35,956 Anyway, maybe you and I travel back in time to this morning 69 00:03:36,032 --> 00:03:37,941 and give you a do-over on your book report. 70 00:03:37,943 --> 00:03:39,701 That would be amazing. 71 00:03:39,778 --> 00:03:41,053 Did Rupert come this way? 72 00:03:41,129 --> 00:03:43,055 Son of bitch killed his wife and he's blaming 73 00:03:43,131 --> 00:03:44,389 an eight-armed man. 74 00:03:44,466 --> 00:03:46,558 Brian's gonna let me use his time machine 75 00:03:46,635 --> 00:03:49,728 - to re-do my book report. - Is that right? 76 00:03:49,805 --> 00:03:53,065 And how exactly is Brian going to do that? 77 00:03:53,141 --> 00:03:55,717 - With his time machine? - Hey, I handed you a wrench. 78 00:03:55,794 --> 00:03:58,737 Yeah, the wrong wrench. Just stay away from it. 79 00:04:04,894 --> 00:04:06,411 Hey, guys, you know what might be fun? 80 00:04:06,488 --> 00:04:07,412 We should all pool our money 81 00:04:07,489 --> 00:04:09,473 and buy some scratchers together. 82 00:04:09,475 --> 00:04:11,491 - I love that idea. - Yeah, it'd be a great way 83 00:04:11,568 --> 00:04:13,326 to cap off our Tuesday Guys' Night. 84 00:04:13,328 --> 00:04:16,255 Speaking of that, we've got a special on tacos today. 85 00:04:16,331 --> 00:04:19,316 Let's keep your politics out of this, pal. 86 00:04:19,318 --> 00:04:21,485 You guys go ahead. I'd rather spend my money 87 00:04:21,487 --> 00:04:23,987 on this tightly-curled horoscope scroll. 88 00:04:23,989 --> 00:04:26,006 Suit yourself. 89 00:04:26,082 --> 00:04:28,392 Here we go, winning combo. 90 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:30,994 Kim Kardashian... 91 00:04:30,996 --> 00:04:33,272 Khloé Kardashian... 92 00:04:33,348 --> 00:04:34,439 Scott Disick. 93 00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:37,834 I'll try my favorite, Dignity Dollars. 94 00:04:37,836 --> 00:04:40,003 Martin Luther King... 95 00:04:40,005 --> 00:04:41,688 Malcolm X... 96 00:04:41,765 --> 00:04:44,116 Aww. Jussie Smollett. 97 00:04:44,192 --> 00:04:47,527 Let me show you how it's done. Give me one of the Bald Bucks. 98 00:04:47,604 --> 00:04:49,679 Piven... 99 00:04:49,681 --> 00:04:51,681 Travolta... 100 00:04:51,683 --> 00:04:52,849 Cage. 101 00:04:52,851 --> 00:04:54,442 - I'm a winner! - Awesome. 102 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,186 We won $123. 103 00:04:56,188 --> 00:04:58,688 Split three ways, that's 41 bucks apiece. 104 00:04:58,690 --> 00:05:01,358 That's fine. I'm happy with my horoscope scroll. 105 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,969 "Be sure to gamble today with your handicapped, 106 00:05:04,046 --> 00:05:05,545 horny and Black friend." 107 00:05:05,622 --> 00:05:07,881 That-that could mean anything. 108 00:05:07,957 --> 00:05:09,624 "Also, close your search tabs 109 00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:12,144 before your big work presentation tomorrow." 110 00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:14,146 Bunch of mumbo jumbo. 111 00:05:14,222 --> 00:05:16,706 As you can see, third-quarter sales... 112 00:05:16,708 --> 00:05:18,725 Oop, sorry about that. 113 00:05:18,802 --> 00:05:20,968 Yeah, let me just... 114 00:05:21,046 --> 00:05:22,821 Okay, I-I don't know how that... 115 00:05:22,898 --> 00:05:24,731 Just give me one second here. 116 00:05:24,808 --> 00:05:27,901 A-As I was saying, third-quarter... 117 00:05:27,977 --> 00:05:30,220 I apologize for the slight... 118 00:05:30,222 --> 00:05:33,815 A mini-mart scroll warned of this. I'll clean out my desk. 119 00:05:50,242 --> 00:05:51,741 I don't know, Brian. 120 00:05:51,743 --> 00:05:54,244 Stewie said to stay away from the time machine. 121 00:05:54,246 --> 00:05:55,837 Don't worry about Stewie. 122 00:05:55,914 --> 00:06:00,341 Okay, just put in today's date, set the time and go. 123 00:06:00,419 --> 00:06:01,768 DNA mismatch. 124 00:06:01,845 --> 00:06:03,528 Enter secondary voice password 125 00:06:03,605 --> 00:06:06,347 within 20 seconds to prevent self-destruct. 126 00:06:06,425 --> 00:06:08,441 Crap. Secondary password? 127 00:06:08,518 --> 00:06:09,442 Self-destruct? 128 00:06:09,444 --> 00:06:10,944 Wait, wait, wait. I got this. 129 00:06:11,096 --> 00:06:12,929 Zac Efron. 130 00:06:12,931 --> 00:06:14,873 Um, Susan Lucci. 131 00:06:14,950 --> 00:06:16,950 Dora. Diego. Gold's Gym. 132 00:06:17,026 --> 00:06:18,952 - Mykonos. - I-I know, I know. 133 00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:21,028 Fabulous. Fab. Totally fab. 134 00:06:21,106 --> 00:06:22,381 Go, bitch. 135 00:06:22,457 --> 00:06:24,624 Whatever, bitch. Love you, bitch. 136 00:06:24,701 --> 00:06:25,625 Um, yes, queen. 137 00:06:25,777 --> 00:06:27,110 Yas, queen. 138 00:06:27,112 --> 00:06:30,889 Y-Yas, queen. 139 00:06:51,987 --> 00:06:55,247 Hey. Hey. 140 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,624 Hey. Did you see that? 141 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:08,318 Check it out, Chris. 142 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:11,154 Welcome to 16 hours ago. 143 00:07:11,156 --> 00:07:13,915 So, how does it feel to be living in the past? 144 00:07:13,992 --> 00:07:16,935 Wow. Look how small that tree is. 145 00:07:17,012 --> 00:07:18,845 And how old all those cars look. 146 00:07:18,922 --> 00:07:20,346 Yeah, there's gonna be a lot 147 00:07:20,423 --> 00:07:21,923 of very small differences like that. 148 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,684 Hold on, I-I thought we were gonna time travel to my school, 149 00:07:24,761 --> 00:07:25,777 not to our house. 150 00:07:25,854 --> 00:07:27,187 Yeah, I just plugged in 151 00:07:27,263 --> 00:07:28,447 what was on the tag on my collar. 152 00:07:28,523 --> 00:07:30,449 That's the only address I know. 153 00:07:30,525 --> 00:07:32,192 Wait a minute, this could be amazing. 154 00:07:32,268 --> 00:07:34,119 We got a few hours before your book report. 155 00:07:34,196 --> 00:07:36,346 And with a day's advantage, we can use that time 156 00:07:36,348 --> 00:07:38,940 to bet on sports, already knowing the outcome. 157 00:07:39,017 --> 00:07:40,459 My gosh, you're right. 158 00:07:40,535 --> 00:07:41,851 Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on. 159 00:07:41,853 --> 00:07:44,020 Here we go. WNBA. 160 00:07:44,022 --> 00:07:45,613 There's a Mystics-Sparks game today. 161 00:07:45,691 --> 00:07:47,023 Remember who won that? 162 00:07:47,025 --> 00:07:48,967 I don't even know what city they're from. 163 00:07:49,044 --> 00:07:50,694 Which one has Caitlin Clark? 164 00:07:50,696 --> 00:07:52,195 I-I don't know. 165 00:07:52,197 --> 00:07:54,380 Both of them? Neither? 166 00:07:54,457 --> 00:07:56,700 Man, she's the best, maybe. 167 00:08:00,889 --> 00:08:02,314 Hey, Cleveland. You look different. 168 00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:04,374 Yeah, with my scratcher winnings, 169 00:08:04,376 --> 00:08:06,651 I was able to buy $41 of Ozempic. 170 00:08:06,728 --> 00:08:09,821 Donna thinks I'm starting to look like skinny Jonah Hill. 171 00:08:09,898 --> 00:08:11,656 And just like Jonah Hill, I can't wait 172 00:08:11,733 --> 00:08:14,901 to be an aggressively unstable relationship partner. 173 00:08:14,978 --> 00:08:17,737 I see. Must be nice to have money to burn. 174 00:08:17,814 --> 00:08:18,888 I wouldn't know. 175 00:08:18,890 --> 00:08:20,165 Say, guys, I forget, 176 00:08:20,316 --> 00:08:24,060 how many people does it take to make a thing go right? 177 00:08:26,898 --> 00:08:28,823 I think you knew the answer. 178 00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:30,583 Thanks to those lucky scratchers, 179 00:08:30,736 --> 00:08:33,920 I just bought Now That's What I Call Music! volume 12. 180 00:08:33,997 --> 00:08:36,906 Game, cassette, match. 181 00:08:36,908 --> 00:08:38,408 Hey, check it out, guys, 182 00:08:38,426 --> 00:08:40,334 I turned those winning scratchers into a new belt. 183 00:08:40,412 --> 00:08:42,503 TJ Maxx was having a sale on everything 184 00:08:42,581 --> 00:08:44,581 - that's strewn on the floor. - Great. 185 00:08:44,583 --> 00:08:47,267 Seems like everybody's really enjoying their big winnings. 186 00:08:48,603 --> 00:08:52,179 You can't wear that shirt because of my therapy. 187 00:08:52,257 --> 00:08:56,368 I got her right under my pudgy, nonthreatening thumb. 188 00:09:01,116 --> 00:09:03,266 Okay, it's almost time for your English class. 189 00:09:03,268 --> 00:09:05,210 We just have to head off your past self 190 00:09:05,287 --> 00:09:07,287 so you can give the book report instead. 191 00:09:07,363 --> 00:09:09,122 Sounds good. Whoa, I guess 192 00:09:09,198 --> 00:09:12,425 if I have anything to say to Derek, I should say it now. 193 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,559 I have nothing to say to Derek. 194 00:09:20,635 --> 00:09:22,102 Here I come. 195 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,289 Chris, you can't go in there. 196 00:09:26,291 --> 00:09:29,526 Brian, what are you doing here? 197 00:09:30,979 --> 00:09:33,220 Are you me? 198 00:09:33,298 --> 00:09:35,389 Look, there's not much time. We're from the future. 199 00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:36,891 Well, your future, our present. 200 00:09:36,968 --> 00:09:38,318 Let me stop you right there. 201 00:09:38,394 --> 00:09:40,987 I am 100% fine with whatever this is. 202 00:09:41,064 --> 00:09:43,081 I just go where I'm told. 203 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,418 Okay, Chris, get in there and make this 204 00:09:46,494 --> 00:09:48,494 the flaccid-est report of your life. 205 00:09:48,571 --> 00:09:51,131 I won't let you down. 206 00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:53,149 Just in time, Chris. You're up. 207 00:09:53,151 --> 00:09:55,485 Not today I'm not. 208 00:09:55,487 --> 00:09:59,246 Hello, peers. This is my report on the book Tom Sawyer. 209 00:09:59,324 --> 00:10:01,507 The cover shows a kid painting a fence. 210 00:10:01,584 --> 00:10:05,011 And inside it is paper, which is made from trees. 211 00:10:05,163 --> 00:10:07,421 - The end. - - Chris, I may have to fail you. 212 00:10:07,499 --> 00:10:10,108 Well, that's all good, 'cause the only chub in town 213 00:10:10,185 --> 00:10:12,852 is the insurance company. Kobe! 214 00:10:16,617 --> 00:10:19,117 Quagmire, I see you're wearing a brown belt today. 215 00:10:19,194 --> 00:10:20,935 Did you buy another one? 216 00:10:21,012 --> 00:10:23,012 Nope, same belt. Reversible. 217 00:10:23,014 --> 00:10:25,365 That just blew my damn mind. 218 00:10:25,441 --> 00:10:27,684 Belts are reversible, men are becoming women, 219 00:10:27,686 --> 00:10:30,277 I'm kind of getting into it, what's this world coming to? 220 00:10:30,355 --> 00:10:31,855 Evening, gentlemen. Thought I'd offer 221 00:10:31,857 --> 00:10:35,358 some celebratory popcorn shrimp for the big scratcher winners. 222 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:36,301 Wow, no way! 223 00:10:36,378 --> 00:10:38,136 That's the appetizer in commercials 224 00:10:38,287 --> 00:10:40,121 most likely to fly through the air. 225 00:10:40,198 --> 00:10:43,308 Any food that's airborne on television is very special. 226 00:10:48,373 --> 00:10:50,482 Peter, come on, have some. 227 00:10:50,558 --> 00:10:54,043 I understood the shrimp to be exclusively for winners. 228 00:10:54,045 --> 00:10:55,320 Damn it! It's not fair. 229 00:10:55,397 --> 00:10:57,989 I got to find a way to have what they have. 230 00:11:00,552 --> 00:11:03,144 Okay, suction cups. Pulley system. 231 00:11:03,221 --> 00:11:05,889 Carabiners. Rope. Ski mask. 232 00:11:05,891 --> 00:11:08,208 A bat. 233 00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:18,659 I-I don't understand the crossword ones. 234 00:11:22,331 --> 00:11:23,756 Well, Chris, probably time to head home. 235 00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:25,758 And congrats again on a successful, 236 00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:27,168 non-turgid book report. 237 00:11:27,245 --> 00:11:29,646 Please stop saying gross smart words. 238 00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:38,679 Hey... is, 239 00:11:38,757 --> 00:11:40,423 is there maybe something you guys want to tell me? 240 00:11:40,425 --> 00:11:43,426 Yeah. Did you know there was a WNBA game yesterday 241 00:11:43,428 --> 00:11:45,352 between the Mystics and the Sparks? 242 00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:46,596 Yes, of course. 243 00:11:46,598 --> 00:11:48,781 The Mystics crushed the Sparks by 26 points. 244 00:11:48,858 --> 00:11:49,949 Aw... 245 00:11:50,026 --> 00:11:52,101 Yeah, huge upset. Vegas had it all wrong. 246 00:11:52,103 --> 00:11:53,436 Aw! 247 00:11:53,438 --> 00:11:55,196 Listen, I know you're probably mad 248 00:11:55,273 --> 00:11:56,697 we took the time machine without asking, 249 00:11:56,699 --> 00:11:58,942 but, trust me, there's nothing to worry about. 250 00:11:58,944 --> 00:12:00,468 You sure about that? 251 00:12:03,782 --> 00:12:05,465 Sorry, little guy. 252 00:12:05,541 --> 00:12:08,284 Mom thinks it'll help the swelling from the burns 253 00:12:08,286 --> 00:12:11,621 if I put some of your diaper cream on my face. 254 00:12:11,623 --> 00:12:13,289 Looks like Brian and Chris kicked up 255 00:12:13,291 --> 00:12:16,383 a little more than dust on their mosey back in time. 256 00:12:16,461 --> 00:12:19,812 Now, please consider these fine commercial products. 257 00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:20,980 Whip sound effect. 258 00:12:21,057 --> 00:12:22,148 Yeah, he probably wasn't supposed to read 259 00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:23,466 that last part. 260 00:12:23,468 --> 00:12:24,788 Yeah. There, you see? There it is. 261 00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,585 Holy crap! What happened? 262 00:12:33,661 --> 00:12:35,995 We-we didn't even see Meg in the past. 263 00:12:36,072 --> 00:12:37,072 Well, Brian... 264 00:12:38,149 --> 00:12:40,407 I would surmise that in the original timeline, 265 00:12:40,485 --> 00:12:43,319 the laughter at Chris emanating from his classroom 266 00:12:43,321 --> 00:12:45,096 created a distraction... 267 00:12:45,173 --> 00:12:47,766 So by turning her head slightly to investigate, 268 00:12:47,842 --> 00:12:50,417 Meg kept her face from being directly over the explosion. 269 00:12:50,495 --> 00:12:53,496 But in a timeline where Chris was unaroused... 270 00:12:54,423 --> 00:12:56,349 the distracting laughter was absent. 271 00:12:56,425 --> 00:12:59,927 Come on! Not one bag of pot in any of these things? 272 00:13:00,522 --> 00:13:03,264 So with no noise coming from Chris's classroo, 273 00:13:03,341 --> 00:13:05,283 Meg never turned her head away, 274 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:06,767 ensuring that her face would absorb 275 00:13:06,845 --> 00:13:08,125 the full brunt of the explosion. 276 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:12,865 It's a weird word. "Brunt." Such a dumb language. 277 00:13:12,942 --> 00:13:16,035 I feel horrible. We got to fix this. 278 00:13:16,037 --> 00:13:17,520 That's exactly what we're going to do. 279 00:13:17,522 --> 00:13:20,523 This is bad. Did-did anything else change? 280 00:13:20,525 --> 00:13:22,449 One thing. Lois bought popsicles for Meg 281 00:13:22,527 --> 00:13:24,385 since that's all she can eat now. 282 00:13:28,366 --> 00:13:30,642 So good. What's yours? 283 00:13:30,718 --> 00:13:32,552 - Apple. - Aw, there's apple? 284 00:13:32,628 --> 00:13:34,187 I thought that was lime. 285 00:13:35,131 --> 00:13:36,630 But we should... 286 00:13:36,708 --> 00:13:39,876 we should go fix the Meg-burned-face thing, 287 00:13:39,878 --> 00:13:41,302 though, right? 288 00:13:41,379 --> 00:13:42,970 Yeah, yeah. All right. 289 00:13:43,048 --> 00:13:44,471 Hey, you guys. 290 00:13:44,549 --> 00:13:47,450 I also got ice cream sandwiches for Meg. 291 00:13:48,887 --> 00:13:50,903 It's a time machine. We can leave whenever we want. 292 00:13:50,980 --> 00:13:52,738 I mean, we make the schedule. 293 00:13:52,815 --> 00:13:54,057 Yeah. Like, literally. 294 00:13:59,822 --> 00:14:01,564 Jon Hamm. 295 00:14:01,566 --> 00:14:03,174 Arnold Palmer. 296 00:14:03,251 --> 00:14:05,068 The third one's just a mirror. 297 00:14:05,070 --> 00:14:07,345 Wait a minute. 298 00:14:07,422 --> 00:14:08,847 Scratcher! 299 00:14:08,923 --> 00:14:10,756 Peter? It's the middle of the night. 300 00:14:10,833 --> 00:14:12,183 What the hell are you doing? 301 00:14:12,260 --> 00:14:15,244 - ... having an affair? - What? With who? 302 00:14:15,246 --> 00:14:17,397 You-you don't know her. Her-her name is... 303 00:14:19,675 --> 00:14:21,175 Sandy Shoes. 304 00:14:21,252 --> 00:14:23,194 Peter, are you just looking at stuff in the car 305 00:14:23,271 --> 00:14:24,362 and making up lies? 306 00:14:24,439 --> 00:14:26,589 Lois, that is completely speedometer. 307 00:14:26,591 --> 00:14:28,533 Look, I don't know what any of this is, 308 00:14:28,610 --> 00:14:30,517 but just don't turn on the bathroom light 309 00:14:30,595 --> 00:14:31,703 when you come to bed. 310 00:14:31,779 --> 00:14:33,520 Okay, tha-thank you. 311 00:14:33,598 --> 00:14:36,040 Th-Thanks for no more questions, love you. 312 00:14:37,619 --> 00:14:40,027 Mr. Griffin, you're under arrest for... 313 00:14:40,105 --> 00:14:41,954 I know, I know. How'd you find me? 314 00:14:42,031 --> 00:14:44,382 The store security camera caught you checking your height 315 00:14:44,459 --> 00:14:46,033 against the doorjamb sticker. 316 00:14:46,111 --> 00:14:47,460 I'm afraid I'm shrinking. 317 00:14:47,536 --> 00:14:49,721 We're gonna measure again at the jail, though, right? 318 00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:58,137 All right, we're back at the day of Chris's book report. 319 00:14:58,214 --> 00:15:00,806 To save Meg's face, we just have to do two things. 320 00:15:00,883 --> 00:15:02,291 First, we lock up the Chris 321 00:15:02,293 --> 00:15:04,551 who successfully gave his report without incident. 322 00:15:04,629 --> 00:15:07,388 - Flaccid Chris. - Yes. Ew, ew, gross, but yes. 323 00:15:07,465 --> 00:15:09,890 And then we restore the laughter that will distract Meg 324 00:15:09,968 --> 00:15:13,152 by releasing the original Chris from the custodial closet... 325 00:15:13,229 --> 00:15:14,804 Turgid Chris. 326 00:15:14,806 --> 00:15:16,706 You think you're clever, but you're not clever. 327 00:15:19,310 --> 00:15:21,144 Look, there's Flaccid me. 328 00:15:21,146 --> 00:15:23,713 Happy? Now your crudeness is a whole thing. 329 00:15:25,408 --> 00:15:27,316 Okay, gonna stop you right there, bud. 330 00:15:27,318 --> 00:15:29,485 Stewie? Aw, crap, this can't be good. 331 00:15:29,487 --> 00:15:31,578 Hey, Chris, we're gonna need you to... 332 00:15:33,158 --> 00:15:35,658 - Stewie, we've got a problem. - What? What's wrong? 333 00:15:35,660 --> 00:15:37,510 It seems that, given even a few minutes alone 334 00:15:37,586 --> 00:15:42,165 in a locked closet, Chris... took matters into his own hands. 335 00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:43,942 - What? - Yeah, he's in there sleeping 336 00:15:44,018 --> 00:15:45,944 and muttering about Lola Bunny from Space Jam. 337 00:15:46,020 --> 00:15:49,113 - Who's that? - A smoking hot rabbit. 338 00:15:50,599 --> 00:15:53,176 Okay, I didn't get it when you said it, but now I get it. 339 00:15:53,178 --> 00:15:55,602 - So, what do we do now? - Don't worry. I've got this. 340 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,455 Chris, your book report is back on. 341 00:15:57,532 --> 00:16:00,366 But... this time you've got to do it at full mast. 342 00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:02,609 Yeah, um, one small issue with that: 343 00:16:02,687 --> 00:16:04,462 during the time you two were yakking 344 00:16:04,539 --> 00:16:07,707 about how the me in the closet just masturbated... 345 00:16:07,783 --> 00:16:09,709 I, too, masturbated. 346 00:16:09,785 --> 00:16:11,285 - What?! - For God's sake. 347 00:16:11,362 --> 00:16:13,304 Damn it! We're running out of time to save Meg. 348 00:16:13,381 --> 00:16:16,307 Chris, we've got less than one minute to get you aroused. 349 00:16:16,384 --> 00:16:18,217 Um... okay. 350 00:16:18,294 --> 00:16:21,204 Close your eyes. You're a 19th-century heiress, 351 00:16:21,206 --> 00:16:22,647 alone in her vast estate 352 00:16:22,724 --> 00:16:25,224 and awaiting a visit from the handsome vicar, 353 00:16:25,301 --> 00:16:28,135 as her dear aunt has recently passed from consumption... 354 00:16:28,213 --> 00:16:30,471 Yeah, that-that's nothing. 355 00:16:30,548 --> 00:16:32,306 Well, I'm not proud 356 00:16:32,383 --> 00:16:34,233 of what I'm about to say here, but... 357 00:16:34,310 --> 00:16:35,718 go to YouTube and type in, 358 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,572 "Brazilian Women's Olympic Volleyball Team Practice." 359 00:16:39,648 --> 00:16:43,392 They're all speaking Spanish. Is that part of it for you? 360 00:16:43,394 --> 00:16:46,412 - Portuguese, but yes. - You guys, you guys, stop. 361 00:16:46,489 --> 00:16:47,563 I'll just type in 362 00:16:47,565 --> 00:16:49,823 "Lauren Boebert mutual groping vaping 363 00:16:49,901 --> 00:16:51,067 in public Beetlejuice." 364 00:16:51,069 --> 00:16:54,012 You kind of sexy liar. 365 00:16:56,832 --> 00:16:58,391 I'm ready. 366 00:17:01,504 --> 00:17:03,021 He's a good kid. I'm proud of him. 367 00:17:07,919 --> 00:17:08,860 What's everyone laughing about? 368 00:17:08,936 --> 00:17:10,936 Which one is Derek's locker? 369 00:17:11,013 --> 00:17:13,422 He can't find his anti-seizure medicine. 370 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:22,114 Hey, just so you know, I can eat 50 eggs. 371 00:17:22,267 --> 00:17:24,375 You already told me that four times. 372 00:17:24,452 --> 00:17:27,211 Okay, well, 50 sometimes sounds like 15, 373 00:17:27,288 --> 00:17:29,797 so I just wanted to make sure you were properly impressed. 374 00:17:30,866 --> 00:17:32,366 What are you guys doing here? 375 00:17:32,368 --> 00:17:34,277 Ain't you all too good for me now? 376 00:17:34,279 --> 00:17:35,961 Peter, we never felt that way. 377 00:17:36,038 --> 00:17:37,371 Yeah, we were the ones who wanted you 378 00:17:37,448 --> 00:17:39,540 to buy scratchers with us in the first place. 379 00:17:39,617 --> 00:17:41,801 That's why we've come to bail you out. 380 00:17:41,877 --> 00:17:44,062 Bail me out? Seriously? 381 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:49,125 Look, I'm sorry I overreacted, you guys. 382 00:17:49,127 --> 00:17:50,459 I think I was just frustrated 383 00:17:50,461 --> 00:17:52,219 about never actually winning anything. 384 00:17:52,297 --> 00:17:53,887 Peter, of course you're a winner. 385 00:17:53,965 --> 00:17:56,632 You've got a beautiful wife, a family who loves you, 386 00:17:56,634 --> 00:17:58,150 and-and a bathroom window 387 00:17:58,227 --> 00:17:59,819 that's not as frosted as you think. 388 00:17:59,895 --> 00:18:01,913 And you're white. That's a big one. 389 00:18:02,031 --> 00:18:03,139 Yeah. 390 00:18:03,157 --> 00:18:04,731 My insulated experience of the world 391 00:18:04,809 --> 00:18:05,991 always makes me forget that. 392 00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,901 We pooled our last 15 dollars 393 00:18:07,979 --> 00:18:09,754 of scratcher winnings to pay your fine. 394 00:18:09,831 --> 00:18:11,589 - 50 dollars? - No, 15. 395 00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:13,999 See? This, that-that's, 396 00:18:14,076 --> 00:18:16,135 this is the thing that I was saying. 397 00:18:22,677 --> 00:18:24,660 Man, you guys are the best. 398 00:18:24,662 --> 00:18:27,087 I hope you can forgive me for acting so crazy. 399 00:18:27,165 --> 00:18:28,514 Of course we do, Peter. 400 00:18:28,591 --> 00:18:30,591 Wait a second. You got me out of jail 401 00:18:30,668 --> 00:18:33,336 for only 15 dollars after I committed a robbery? 402 00:18:33,354 --> 00:18:36,188 Well, I, pulled a few strings. 403 00:18:36,265 --> 00:18:38,691 Kind of an easy sell to the Chief because you're white. 404 00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:42,511 See? There's that, there's that thing that I was saying. 405 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,507 Are we for sure in the clear? How's Meg? 406 00:18:55,209 --> 00:18:56,968 Mom, have you seen Meg? 407 00:18:57,044 --> 00:18:58,302 Yeah, she went to the store. 408 00:18:58,379 --> 00:18:59,862 Well, I'm sure she's fine. 409 00:18:59,864 --> 00:19:01,030 To pick up some ointment. 410 00:19:01,032 --> 00:19:02,715 For her vagina. 411 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,886 Bit of a journey, but we got there. 412 00:19:06,962 --> 00:19:08,813 Listen, Stewie, we never should've used 413 00:19:08,890 --> 00:19:10,389 your time machine without telling you. 414 00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:12,466 Chris and I owe you an apology. 415 00:19:12,543 --> 00:19:13,709 It's fine, Brian. 416 00:19:13,711 --> 00:19:15,653 At least your heart was in the right place. 417 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:19,548 Yeah, well, that's the thing. I'm... I'm not sure it was. 418 00:19:19,550 --> 00:19:22,142 You see, Chris, I never should've suggested 419 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:23,886 a do-over on your book report. 420 00:19:23,888 --> 00:19:25,404 What? Why not? 421 00:19:25,481 --> 00:19:28,240 Well, I realize now that all the awkward, 422 00:19:28,317 --> 00:19:31,318 embarrassing, difficult experiences in life are exactly 423 00:19:31,396 --> 00:19:33,654 what shape people into interesting adults. 424 00:19:33,731 --> 00:19:35,173 You need these cringey moments. 425 00:19:35,249 --> 00:19:38,250 Because I know you have a very interesting future ahead of you. 426 00:19:38,327 --> 00:19:40,419 - Thanks, Brian. - You know what? 427 00:19:40,496 --> 00:19:42,013 Maybe let's put a pin in the hug 428 00:19:42,089 --> 00:19:44,256 until that book report pistol's back in its holster. 429 00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:46,333 That could just be time-travel-related. 430 00:19:46,411 --> 00:19:48,552 - From the reentry. - R-Really? 431 00:19:48,629 --> 00:19:51,189 Yeah, you know how you can get rando boners on airplanes? 432 00:19:51,265 --> 00:19:53,098 - It's like that. - That's right. 433 00:19:53,175 --> 00:19:54,767 The first person it ever happened to 434 00:19:54,843 --> 00:19:56,101 was Charles Lindbergh. 435 00:19:56,178 --> 00:19:58,178 Here's Lucky Lindbergh landig 436 00:19:58,256 --> 00:19:59,422 in the City of Lights. 437 00:19:59,424 --> 00:20:01,515 And like all great pilots, 438 00:20:01,592 --> 00:20:02,867 he's emerged from the cockpit 439 00:20:02,944 --> 00:20:05,703 with a Betty Boop beach towel around his waist. 440 00:20:05,780 --> 00:20:07,263 I am perfectly limp, 441 00:20:07,265 --> 00:20:09,707 and what the Nazis do is an internal matter. 442 00:20:15,773 --> 00:20:17,215 What's going on, guys? 443 00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:19,866 It's me, Corey, with After the "Guy." 444 00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:21,293 We've only got a minute to break down 445 00:20:21,370 --> 00:20:23,387 all the best guy moments from this week. 446 00:20:23,464 --> 00:20:27,116 And, as always, we're brought to you by too many sponsors. 447 00:20:27,118 --> 00:20:29,301 Peter, what did you think of the episode? 448 00:20:29,378 --> 00:20:31,729 Well, Corey, I'd say most of it was freaking sweet, 449 00:20:31,806 --> 00:20:33,880 just like squeezable Smucker's jelly, 450 00:20:33,958 --> 00:20:35,291 now with a spillproof top. 451 00:20:35,309 --> 00:20:37,050 And even if there was a plot hole or two, 452 00:20:37,128 --> 00:20:38,552 they're no match for Flex Tape. 453 00:20:38,629 --> 00:20:40,980 Stick it in a drawer, forget you have it, 454 00:20:41,056 --> 00:20:42,631 then buy it again three years later. 455 00:20:42,633 --> 00:20:46,244 Okay, question for Stewie. "Who can understand the baby?" 456 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,746 Okay, as I've explained for the last six of these, Corey... 457 00:20:48,897 --> 00:20:52,324 He-he had to leave. He's boxing Jake Paul tonight. 458 00:20:52,401 --> 00:20:54,810 Closing credits under theme song. 459 00:20:54,812 --> 00:20:58,330 Is there a way to highlight just the words he has to say? 460 00:20:58,407 --> 00:21:00,741 >>>>oakislandtk<<<<< www.opensubtitles.org